Batsitting
by Bowlingforshrimp
Summary: Ranger has to babysit his sister's four kids and asks Stephanie to join him for the ride.
1. Chapter 1

This idea popped into my head...I thought it was pretty funny and I hope you do too. Please review

I was in my Porsche, en route to the office when my cell phone chirped.

"Yo," I answered.

"Ric! I need HELLLP!"

"Celia? What's wrong?" I could hear screeching in the background.

"ARG these kids are driving me NUTS. I need ONE night BY MYSELF and I'd REALLY appreciate it if you would babysit for me tonight. Please Ric? Pleeease?"

"Can't drop them off at madre's house?"

"NO. she's going to the opera tonight. Come ON Ric."

"Can't Jasmine and Erin handle it? They're 14."

"Remember the last time they babysat? They almost burnt the house down! PLeeeeeeese! Think of all those times I bailed you out of trouble."

Shit. I really didn't want to babysit. Celia had four kids. Twin girls and two boys. They are death on babysitters, but they cut me some slack because I'm their favorite uncle. "That was years ago, Cee."

"SO? Come ON. I don't get to do ANYTHING anymore now that Felix is gone. Please, Ricky? Please?"

Great. She used the guilt-gun. Her husband Felix got scared when the fourth devil-child was born three years ago and fled the country, leaving Celia high and dry with unbelievable debts.

I sighed. I didn't have any work tonight. I had been planning on a nice, relaxing evening at home. "Fine." I growled.

"THANK YOOOOOOOU!" I winced. Only a former cheerleader could do that.

"What time should I be there?"

"SIX! Omigod THANK you Ric! You are the BEST brother EVER! I almost committed infanticide here. See you tonight!" and then she disconnected. Probably the only person who could hang up before me.

I pulled up to the curb in front of the bonds office. I saw Stephanie inside and smiled to myself. Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad after all.

I sauntered in the office and mentally enjoyed Lula's reaction to my presence. I stood close to Steph, hand on her neck, leaning into her.

"Babe, I need a favor. Let's talk," I said and walked out, knowing Lula and Connie would be snickering at each other, imagining all kinds of smuttyfavors I could be asking Steph for.

I leaned against the Porsche and watched Stephanie stop in front of me. God she was hot.

"What's up?" she asked.

"My sister drafted me to babysit herkidstonight. Wonder if you'd join me." I said, almost dreading her reaction.

Stephanie burst out laughing. "Batman finally meats his match. You can't deal with kids, huh?"

"Her kids are the spawn of the devil," I said.

"How many kids does she have?"

"Four. The twins are 14. They're names are Jasmine and Erin. The middle kid is eleven, his name is James, and the youngest is three. His name is Felix." Celia named him _before_ his rat of a father took off.

"I don't know, what's in it for me?"

I threw her a wolf-grin. "Bedtime is at nine." Actually, I had no idea when bedtime was, but I felt I should make something up.

Stephanie's POV

Hmmm babysitting with Ranger? Nine o'clock bedtime? That I didn't believe. No fourteen-year-old girl would go to bed at nine.

"Are you sure it's okay with your sister?" I asked Ranger. I guess it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe I could grill him about his past.

Ranger inclined his head a fraction. "It'll be fine."

"Okay then, sure. What time?"

"Six. I'll pick you up. And let me warn you that when I tell her that I'm bringing a woman my whole family will know in less than a minute." He said and then left.

Oh boy.

At five fifty five I strode out of the bathroom, fully dressed in jeans and a tee shirt, hair toweled dry. I wondered what Ranger told his sister about me, and if his family knew already. I grabbed a jacket and my shoulder bag and walked out of the apartment, down the stairs, and into the lobby just as Ranger's Mercedes was pulling up to the back door.

"Ready to rock and roll?" He asked me.

"Actually, I'm kind of scared."

"You have no idea what you're getting into, Babe."

Gulp.

Ranger drove past the Burg, into Hamilton Township. He pulled up in front of a nicely built brown house with a nice front yard. There was one of those seven-foot-tall basketball hoops on a plastic stand in the driveway, a kid's tricycle on the lawn, and chalk drawings decorated the sidewalk.

We walked up to the door, avoiding random kid's toys, muddied shoes, and a skateboard. Ranger rapped on the door once. The door opened and two girls launched themselves at Ranger, catching him around the waist, making him stagger backwards.

"HEEEEEEy Uncle Ric! Long time, no see!" They yelled.

He grinned down at the two girls. "So your mom doesn't trust you, eh?"

Both of the girls stood back and grinned up at him. All three of their grins were disturbingly similar. "Not since last time when Jazz almost burned down the house," said the one on the right. They were completely identical, except for they're clothes. The one on the left had on jeans, converse sneakers, and a sweatshirt. Her dark, straighthair was pulled into low pigtails and she was wearing a bandana pirate-style. The one on the right had on a pale blue mini-skirt and a halter top.

Lefty turned to her sister, "No WAY, Erin. _You're_ the one who left the stove on, you prat."

"Hey uncle Ric!" A little boy appeared at the door way. He was shorter than the two girls, with silky dark hair and the same tan skin as his sisters. He had another little boy attached to his hand. "Ricky!" yelled the small one and latched onto Ranger's leg.

The two girls looked beyond Ranger to me. Damn. I was hoping to stay unnoticed.

The one with the bandana grinned at me and stuck her hand out. "Hey mom told us Ric was bringing his girlfriend. I suppose that's you. I'm Jasmine, but you can call me Jazz." She said.

"Eh..well…I'm not his girlfriend." I said, shaking her hand.

"Wife? Maid? Fuck-buddy?" she asked, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

I was about to answer but I was cut off.

"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOUNG LADY!" A woman I assumed to be Ranger's sister appeared. She looked to be in her forties, and was taking the years well. The family resemblance was obvious.She had eyes like Ranger's but lighter in color, short dark wavy hair, and a body even Terry Gilman would be jealous off. It was hard to believe this woman had given birth to four children.

"Celia, this is Stephanie Plum," said Ranger, his hand at the small of my back, "We work together."

Celia smiled sweetly at me and shook my hand warmly. "It's so nice to meet you finally."

I smiled at her. "It's nice to meet you." I said.

She glanced down at her watch. "I'm going to be late, thank you SO much Ric. Really, I owe you one."

Ranger wrapped his arms around his sister. She was only about an inch shorter than him. "You're going to owe me more than one, sis," he said with a grin.

"Yeah right. This is payback for everything you owe _me_."

Ranger waved as Celia drove off in her mom-car.

"This is going to be fun, Babe," Ranger said to me.

"Sure." I said.

James was in front of the TV, playing a video game where you're on this planet called Halo and you shoot aliens called Grunts. Felix, the smallest, was on Ranger's lap, chattering incoherently. The twins were at the dining room table doing homework, and Ranger and I were sitting on the couch.

"Hey Ric what's for dinner?" Jazz called from the dining room table.

"Can we order a pizza?" asked James without looking.

"Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!" said Felix.

"No way! Mom said I could cook dinner." Yelled Erin.

"The last time you tried cooking dinner the house almost burned down, remember?" said Jazz

"It was your fault."

"Nuh-uhn."

"Yeah-huhn"

"Nu-uhn"

"yeah-unh."

I looked at Ranger. He just smiled.

"I'M COOKING DINNER!" yelled Erin.

"NO!" yelled Jazz.

"YES!"

"NO! I'm calling Pino's"

"YOU BETTER NOT!" Erin chased Jazz into the living room. Jazz was standing in front of the couch with the phone.

"See? I'm dialing."

"Jazz MOVE! You're in my way!" yelled James.

Jazz stepped to the side and Erin lunged at her.

"Give me the phone!"

"No! Your cooking SUCKS!"

They were wrestling on the floor, scratching at each other. Erin was trying to get the phone and Jazz was trying to dial.

"Get OFF OF ME you hippo!" yelled Jazz.

"Give me the phone!"

Felix started to cry.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Ranger. The room went silent. I'd never heard Ranger yell in my life. Felix stopped crying, Erin and Jazz froze, Erin still sitting on Jazz's stomach. James went on playing his game.

"Erin can cook dinner and if it sucks we'll order a pizza." Said Ranger with a smile.

"HA!" said Erin to her sister. Jazz grunted and shoved Erin off of her. "What kind of pizza do you all want?" she asked.

"Hey!"

"Well we need to know these things 'cause we know your cooking sucks."

Erin didn't answer and walked into the kitchen. "I'm making chicken!" she yelled over her shoulder.

"Yuck," said James.

"Yuck," said Jazz.

"Ick," said Felix.

I looked over at Ranger. He smiled at me. "Yeah, Babe, the whole night is going to be like this."

Fun.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: DOn't own nothin' 'cept the kids.

"Which way to the lady's room?" I asked Ranger a little while later.

"Down that hall, second door on the left," he said, nodding towards a hallway branching off from the living room.

"That toilet is broken," said James, "Use the one upstairs."

I went up the stairs andpeered around the corner. Four doors down one hall. Two down the other. I opened the first door. Closet. I opened the second door. It was a boy's room. I guessed it was James's from the Gameboy on the floor and the computer and the band posters on the wall.

"The bathroom is the last door," came a voice behind me.

I jumped about three feet in the air and whirled around. Jazz laughed at me. She was leaning against the doorjamb of her room, grinning at me.

"Uh…thanks," I said, feeling incredibly stupid. I did my business and started to go down the stairs.

"Hey wait! Come here." Said Jazz.

I followed her into her room. There was a nicely made bed on side, and a mattress on the floor on the other. The side with the bed was nice and neat and mostly pink and yellow. The other side was messy with papers everywhere, posters and drawings on the wall, CD littering the floor, and a guitar leaning against the wall.

"So," said Jazz, pulling up a stool, "what's going on with you and Uncle Ric? Mom said you were his girlfriend."

I sat down on another stool. "No. We just work together."

"Mmmmmhmmm…so are you a bounty hunter too?"

I didn't like the sound of that mmhmm. "Yeah. Except I suck at it."

Jazz laughed. "Oh yeah? Doesn't Ric show you the ropes?"

"Yeah but I still suck."

When I came back downstairs, Jazz in tow, Ranger was sitting on the floor, controller in hand, playing video games with James. Well this was interesting. Ranger playing video games? This goes into the Ranger-file.

"Shooting people in real life not enough for you?" I asked,floppingon the couch.

"I don't get to shoot aliens in real life." Said Ranger,blasting the shit out of an alien.

"OMYGOD Uncle Ric can I do your hair?" asked Jazz, sitting down behind Ranger.

"No." he said.

She started tugging on the leather band that kept his hair back. "Pleeeeeeease?"

"NO."

"I'll tell mom that you fell asleep on the job and Felix fell into the toilet."

"NO."

"Come on." She had his hair down and I really wanted to run my fingers through it. Shoulder length and dark and silky. I bet it smelled great.

"You do and I'll throw you out the second floorwindow," said Ranger. I didn't doubt he would, either.

"Stay here," said Jazz, getting up, "I'll go get some hair stuff."

I was trying really hard not to laugh. Ranger was still sitting on the floor shooting aliens.

"You look really sexy like that," I said to Ranger before the smart part of my brain could take over.

"EW GROSS," Said James, "WARN me before you start being all lovey dovey! JEEZ." Guess he was still in the girls-have-cotties stage.

Ranger turned and looked at me, eyes dilated black. "You're playing with fire, Babe."

"Could you please wait 'til I leave beforemaking sexual innuendos?" said James. That kid was too smart for his own good.

Jazz came back down the stairs carrying scrunchies, rubber bands, hair spray, a hair curler, mousse, chopsticks, bobby pins, and a bunch of hair clips.

"So," she said, pulled a chair up behind Ranger, "what would you like me to do to it?" She started pulling at his hair, parting it, trying new things.

"Nothing," said Ranger.

"Well too bad." She turned to me, "What do you think, Steph?"

"I think you should curl it." Ok, I know I'm cruel. And I know I was going to get it. But I had to enjoy this while I could.

"Hmmm…we'll do that last. Let's try pigtails."

She brushed Ranger's hair out and tugged it into two ponytails one on each side of his head. I laughed so hard a fell off the couch. She braided it, put it up in a bun with two chopsticks, clipped it back, parted it to the side, and was now doing French braids. Ranger didn't look like he was enjoying himself. He kept flicking his eyes over to me, shooting daggers. I just tried not to break ribs from laughing. I was really surprised he was putting up with all this. This was definitely _not_ the Batman I knew.

"You know if you let me cut it I could give you a Mohawk," said Jazz, finishing up her French braiding.

"I think you're done now," said Ranger quietly. A normal person would obey. Jazz, I guessed, was not normal.

"No way. Not yet. I have to curl it first." Said Jazz.

Ranger was about to answer when the smoke alarm went off.

"SHIT!" we heard Erin yell.

Ranger was off the floor, striding towards the kitchen. I was following close behind. A piece of paper left on the stove had caught fire. Ranger reached into a cupboard under the sink, grabbed a fire extinguisher, and let loose. White foam sprayed everywhere, but mostly on the counter.

When the dust settled, Felix wandered in and looked at the white substance blanketing the kitchen.

"SNOW!" he yelled and before he could throw himself into the fluff, Ranger caught him.

"I WANT SNOW!" yelled Felix.

Ranger was glaring at Erin. "Oops," she said.

"SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!" Felix was crying at this point, reaching for the foam.

"Take him upstairs," Ranger said, handing Felix to Erin, who fled from the kitchen.

Jazz appeared in the kitchen. "This is what happened last time except we didn't have a fire extinguisher then so we just used oatmeal to put it out. So what do you want on your pizzas?"

By the time we got all the white stuff cleaned up the pizza arrived.

"Where's Erin?" I asked, sitting down at the kitchen table next to Ranger. Being the health freak that he is, Ranger was eating a salad.

"She's so embarrassed about almost burning down the house again so she's staying in her room tonight," said Jazz, biting into a piece of pizza.

"Ah."

"Whereda snow go?" asked Felix.

"It went to snow heaven," said James.

"It dyded?"

"Yeah it was murdered by the evil vacuum cleaner," said Jazz.

"Why?"

"Because the vacuum cleaner is a bully."

"Why?"

"Because he had a horrible childhood so he takes it out on other people, like the snow."

"Why?"

My eye started to twitch. Ranger looked at me and almost smiled.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Stop laughing at me."

"Who's laughing?" he was definitely smiling now.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "Tell me stories about when you were a kid."

"I have one!" said Jazz. Ranger glared at her.

"This was when my mom was in junior high and Uncle Ric was in second grade. She and her friends were walking home from school one day all minding their business when suddenly Uncle Ric and Uncle Tom come running up in their underwear holding a bunch of flowers and give them to mom's friends and then just run off again."

I was grinning at Ranger, who was shooting death glares at Jazz. "Who's Uncle Tom?" I asked.

Ranger smiled. "Tank. We were neighbors."

"Mom said you were wearing Winnie-the-Pooh underpants and Tom was wearing Spider-Man underpants." Said James.

I was grinning again. "Winnie the Pooh?" I asked Ranger.

He shrugged. "It was the only clean pair I had left."

"One time Ric and Uncle Louis hid in mom and Aunt Marie's closet one night and waited until they were all settled and then started making zombie noises."

Ranger smiled.

"I tried to do that with Jazz and Erin but they caught me and locked me out of the house." Said James.

Jazz took a couple slices of pizza upstairs to Erin. We heard a shriek and Ranger was off his chair, running towards the stairs, tellingus to stay in the kitchen. There was a lot of yelling and shrieking and finally there was silence. I crept cautiously up the stairs and peered into Erin and Jazz's room.

Jazz was leaning against the wall, cracking up. Erin was standing hands on hips, glaring at Ranger who was hauling a kid up off the floor in cuffs.

"Erin what the fuck?" yelled the kid in cuffs. He looked 16, wearing homeboy jeans, a polo shirt and a jacket. He had sandy blond hair that was all mussed up probably from Ranger tackling him.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I came in here with Erin's pizza and caught those two love birds making out so I screamed 'cause it burnt my eyes." Said Jazz through gales of laughter.

"UGH I cannot believe you did that," yelled Erin, shooting death glares at Ranger.

Ranger uncuffed the kid but still held onto to him by the back of his jacket. "He needs to go home," he said shortly and marched the kid downstairs, Erin following.

Jazz was still against the wall. "God that was funny. Ric just ran in here and tackled his ass."

"That was Erin's boyfriend?" I asked, trying not to giggle.

"Apparently. I had no idea she had a boyfriend."

I looked at the clock on the wall over Jazz's mattress. It was eight. Celia wasn't going to be home until about midnight. Four more hours, Steph, just four more hours. Yeah right. Four hours was an eternity.

"What happened?" asked James from the doorway.

"Uncle Ric almost killed Erin's boyfriend." Said Jazz.

"Oh you mean the blond one? He's always here."

"Really?"

"Yeah when everyone 'cept me and Erin are here he comes over and they make out for hours on the couch. I thought you knew." James shrugged and wandered off.

Jazz was grinning. "Oh mom is going to be so mad when I tell her."

"You are NOT going to tell her," yelled Erin. She had stomped up the stairs, Ranger in tow.

"No, but I will," he said.

Erin scowled. "Everybody OUT!" she shoved us all out of the room and slammed the door.

Jazz was grinning again. "That was fun."


	3. Zero down, Four to Go

SOrry I haven't updated in a while. i haven't had any ideas...but maybe this will spark some.

Zero down, Four to go

**Okay I guess I messed up. In my other stories Ranger's daughter's name is Jazz. In this one his niece is named Jazz. (hey I like the name Jazz, so sue me) Anyway, just pretend that this is a parallel universe and that in this universe his daughter's name is…Bernadette or something. I have different names for the same characters in different stories, but once again, this is a parallel unviverse.**

"So does anyone wanna play monopoly?" said James when Ranger, Jazz and I tromped down the stairs.

We were all sitting on the floor playing monopoly. I was the shoe, of course, Ranger was the battleship, James was the dog, and Jazz was the hat. The deal was that if Erin wasn't going to be sociable, she had to watch Felix.

Ranger, of course, was winning. "You landed on Boardwalk," he said to me, "You owe me fifteen hundred."

"Why do I owe you fifteen hundred? Isn't the rent only sixty?"

"I have a hotel on it, Babe, pay up."

"Dammit." I shoved a bunch of bills at him. "You have the advantage. You're already a business man. You should let me win."

He half smiled and added my money to his pile.

It was Jazz's turn next. She rolled a three and landed on James's property.

"Ha! Give me five hundred!" said James, reaching for her money.

"Five hundred? No way. You only have a house," said Jazz, slapping his hand away.

"It says the rent is five hundred if I have a house," said James.

"No it doesn't."

"Yeah it does."

"Doesn't."

"Does."

"Doesn't"

James grabbed a handful of Jazz's money. "Does."

Jazz lunged at James. "Give me my money back!" she yelled.

They wrestled around for a minute and Jazz got James in a choke-hold. "Money." She said.

"Urk," said James.

"Uh, Jazz, he can't breathe," I said.

"He has to give me my money back first."

"Ferk 'ou," said James.

"Give me my money."

"No."

"I'll tell everyone about your crush on Lucy—oof!" James elbowed Jazz in the stomach, wriggled out of the choke hold and bolted up the stairs.

Jazz was curled up in a ball, holding her stomach. "Can you breathe?" Ranger asked her. She nodded and made a dismissive gesture with her hand. Finally she sat up and grinned at us. "Jamesy-poo gets a little shy when you talk about his dear Lucy Freeman."

"Who's Lucy Freeman?" I asked.

"She's a pretty little blond who James is obsessed with," said Jazz, "So what you all say about going to get some ice cream?" We couldn't really continue monopoly seeing as Jazz and James had kind of ruined the board from wrestling.

"I don't think Ranger eats ice cream," I said. Probably Jazz already knew about the body-is-a-temple thing.

"Yeah well he'll eat some," said Jazz, standing up. She hollered up the stairs for James and Erin to come down and after bundling Felix up properly we were on our way.

There was Baskin Robins a few blocks away, so we walked. It was pretty dark out so Ranger made us all walk close together. "Paranoid." Jazz muttered.

"Cautious," said Ranger.

Erin was holding Felix's hand, walking behind us and still sulking from this evening's events. Felix removed his hand from his sister's and toddled to the front, next to Ranger.

"Hi unca' Ricky," he said, taking Ranger's hand, "We gonna get ice cweam?"

"Yup," said Ranger, "ice cweam, indeed."

Ranger was being so unlike himself this evening. He was being almost normal…which is a big step for Ranger. I looked from Felix to Ranger and noticed they looked surprisingly similar. Felix was a baby-Ranger. "Omigod. You two look exactly alike." I said.

Ranger glanced over at me. "Babe."

My cell phone chirped. It was Morelli.

"Hey Cupcake where are you?" he asked.

"I'm batsitting," I said before I could stop myself. Ranger raised an eyebrow at me and almost smiled.

"Batsitting?"

"I meant babysitting."

"Babysitting who? Valerie's kids?"

I winced. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to tell the truth either. "Eh…no,"

"Well who are you babysitting?"

"Um…"

There was a beat of phone silence while Morelli digested this information, if you could call it that. "You're with Ranger, aren't you?"

"Maybe…"

"Why are you babysitting with Ranger?"

"His sister needed a babysitter tonight and she has a lot of kids so Ranger needed some help," I said.

"Christ."

"Yeah…so what's up?"

"Nothing. I have the night off tonight. But since you're already occupied I guess it's just me and Bob tonight."

I diconnected with Morelli and dropped my phone back in my bag. Jazz looked over at me. "Batsitting?"

"Yeah well Ranger is Batman so I you guys are bat-kids, right?" I said. I couldn't make anymore of a fool out of myself as I already had.

Jazz shook her head like she was trying to communicate with a mentally challanged person and knew it was futile.

We arrived at the Ice Cream place and piled inside, looking into the class counter at all the different kinds of ice cream.

"I want bubblegum," said Erin.

"Chocolate," said James.

"Peppermint Candy with gummi worms," said Jazz. (A/N that's my favorite flavor)

"I wanna eveyting!" said Felix.

Felix ended up getting a scoop of chocolate peanut butter ice cream. I got Rocky Road, and Jazz made Ranger get a scoop of Mango Sorbet.

We were all sitting at a little table against the wall eating our ice cream. Felix was having a little trouble maneuvering the spoon to his mouth so James was assigned to cleanup-duty.

"Why me?" he groaned, scrubbing at Felix's shirt with a napkin.

"Because you're closest to him," said Erin.

Right then a big, mean looking kid came in. He was overweight and looked like he belonged in a correctional facility. I noticed James was sending him death glares.

"Who's that?" I asked James.

"That's Mitchell Roberts. He's an eight grader and a bully," said James, clutching his plastic spoon with a vengeance.

Oh…boy. Mitchell Roberts went up to the counter and stood behind a couple people ordering. He looked in the glass at the ice cream flavors and looked like he was having a hard time thinking. James meanwhile a huge scoop of ice cream in his spoon and was bending it back.

"Uh James…" I began but it was too late. James let loose the scoop of ice cream and it hit the back of Mitchell Robert's head, slid down and went down his sweatshirt. Mitchell whirled around and glared right at James.

Uh oh.


	4. one down, three to go

Ok so first let me grovel and beg for forgiveness becuase I haven't updated in so long. Sorry about that, I truely am. Please let me explain. These aliens abducted me and...haha just kidding. No I am just getting a RIDICULOUS amount of homework lately so I haven't really had time to think about something SO not important and writing fanfictions. OMIGOD I"M KIDDING DON"T MUDER ME. Anywho, I suddenly have found that I have some free time so here is another chapter of Batsitting. I know it's a little short, but hey, beggers can't be choosers.

Love ya'll with all my heart,

--Bowlingforshrimp

ps, as well as not mudering me, I'd like it also if you didn't murder me. Cheers.

Mitchell Roberts slowly maneuvered his blubber over to our table, glaring down at James. I glanced at Ranger. Our eyes met, and he shook his head ever so slightly. I guess he wanted to see what James would do.

"You aiming to get another beating, Manoso?" Mitchell Roberts snarled at James, little drops of spittle flying out of his mouth when he pronounced "so".

James narrowed his eyes. "If you could call it that, than yeah, I guess I am."

Mitchell Roberts raised his fist but James lunged at him. He caught him chest-level and Mitchell Roberts staggered backwards, tripping over a chair and falling flat on his back. There was scuffle with a lot of yelling courtesy of the kid behind the counter, a lot of scoffing courtesy of other parents in the room, and a lot of laughing, courtesy of Jazz. James was doing pretty good for a kid his size and the fact the Mitchell was about three times bigger. The instant it looked like the tables were turning Ranger interrupted the scrap and hauled James up by the back of his shirt.

The only sound in the building was the little bell on the door ringing as Mitchell fled the building. Everyone was staring at James and Ranger. Parents were whispering to each other, probably wondering how Ranger could bring up such an ill-mannered child. Jazz was still giggling, head down on her arms, and Erin just looked appalled. Felix wasn't paying attention; he was lost in a world that only consisted of ice cream.

Ranger gathered everyone together, gave the kid behind the counter a twenty for the trouble, and ushered us out the door.

We all walked in silence, Ranger in the rear with James. About a block away from the house he stopped, crossed his arms over his chest, and narrowed his eyes down at his nephew. James stared at the ground, shuffling his feet and mumbling apologies.

"What the hell was that?" Ranger asked James.

"I was just getting revenge," said James.

"For what?"

"For that 'beating' Mitch gave me at school last week. It wasn't really a beating though, he just shoved me against the lockers."

"Why didn't you tell anyone about it? Why didn't you go to a teacher or the principle?"

James looked up at Ranger in utter disbelief. "Are you kidding me? Not only would that mean death on my part, but that would be totally wimpy."

The corner of Ranger's mouth twitched. "Fine. But at least let me show you how to punch correctly."

James grinned at him and we continued our walk home.

The instant we arrived at the house, Erin dragged Felix up the stairs. I guess she wasn't feeling to sociable. Jazz and James sat down in front of the TV to play video games, and Ranger and I retreated to the kitchen.

"Jeez," I said to him, "I thought you were going to go on a rampage because James got into a fight."

Ranger smiled. "I'll let his mother go on a rampage. It wouldn't be right to get mad at him; I was exactly the same when I was a kid."

"You got into fights with overweight eighth graders?"

Ranger nodded. "Thought I could beat anyone. Challenged all the boys in my class to a fight."

"Did you win every single one?" I asked.

Ranger grinned at me. "Yeah but then a girl challenged me and beat me into the ground."

I laughed so hard I almost fell over. Ranger got beat by a girl. "How old were you?" I asked.

"James's age. Ten or eleven. She was pretty tough for a girl. At first I was afraid to hit her because Celia always told me to never hit a girl but she told me not to go easy on her, so I didn't."

"Omigod. You got beat by a girl."

"I know. I was so ashamed I didn't go to school for a week after that," Ranger said, shaking his head.

"What happened after that?" I asked.

"We stayed friends all through high school. We lost touch when Tank and I joined the army but when we came back she married Tank."

"Tank is married?" Omigod. Tank is married? "Does he have any kids?"

Ranger nodded. "Three."

Wow. This was turning into a productive night. I've learned more about Ranger in three hours than I have in the four years that I've known him.

"Wow. I can't imagine Tank as a husband," I said, "or a dad," Come to think of it, I can't really imagine Tank as an _anything_.

"He's pretty strict. His oldest daughter is thirteen and she's not allowed to date until she's sixteen," said Ranger, leaning back against the counter

"I bet she takes that well," I said.

The corners of Ranger's mouth twitched up. "You should hear their fights. They rival the ones you have with Morelli."

Yikes.


	5. two down, two to go hurray!

**---------------------So this one's a little longer. Hope you enjoy------------------------**

I was about to make a witty retort when the phone rang. Ranger picked it up.

"Manoso residence," he said. Whoa. Did he just answer the phone with words other than 'yo' or 'talk'?

"No, Celia isn't here right now, but you can talk to me. I'm her brother, Ricardo. I am responsible for her kids tonight," Ranger said into the phone. He was silent while the guy on the other end gave his spiel. "Yes, I'll let her know. Thank you. Goodbye," Ranger said and hung up the phone. I stared wide-eyed at him.

"What?" he asked me, raising an eyebrow.

"You just ended a conversation," I said.

He gave me a 'whatever' look and turned and walked into the family room where Jazz and James were playing video games. He stood in front of the TV, much to their protest, and turned off the Xbox. I stood behind the couch, in the kitchen doorway to watch the show.

"What the heck was that for?" Yelled James, "We were winning!"

Ranger didn't answer James. He just glared down at Jazz.

"What'd I do?" asked Jazz with a look of pure innocence.

"You put whipped cream in another student's locker, laxatives in said student's soda, a kiwi in said student's exhaust pipe, chewed gum in said student's backpack, and if that isn't already enough, green hair dye in said student's hairspray. What the hell were you thinking?"

Jazz glared right back up at Ranger. "First of all, I _didn't_ put gum in her backpack. That was an accident. It fell out of my mouth. Second of all, that bitch deserved everything she got."

"And what did she do to deserve it?"

"Everything."

"What did she do?" Ranger was losing his patience. I could tell. And I knew it wouldn't be good.

"She stole my friend's boyfriend, stole _my_ paper that took me three hours to write and copied it, spread rumors about my _other_ friend that almost got him kicked off the lacrosse team, and is all around a scurrilous whore. I was just getting revenge."

Ranger shook his head. "That's no reason to put a kiwi in her exhaust pipe. You ruined her car, which you _are_ going to pay for. _And_ you are going to pay for the school books you ruined. _And _you are going to pay for the school toilet that was clogged and ruined."

I burst out laughing at that last part. I tried to cover it up but I couldn't. That girl sounded so much like Joyce and to hear about Jazz getting revenge was music to my ears. Jazz grinned at me and looked back at Ranger.

"See? Stephanie is on my side."

Ranger shot me a glare and turned back to Jazz. "Your mother is going to go nuts. And you are suspended for the rest of the week."

"Sweet! Three day vacation!" said Jazz, throwing her arms in the air. She looked up at Ranger. "No will you please move? James and I have some Elites to get back to." And with that she reached around Ranger and turned the Xbox back on. Ranger sighed and brushed past me back to the kitchen. I followed.

"You know Babe, it's hard for me to be very disciplinary with you cracking up every two seconds."

I tried to hide the smile. I really did. "Sorry, but that girl really did deserve it."

He stared at me for a beat. "I know she did. But her mother was also thinking about pressing charges for trying to hurt her daughter. The principal told me that Jazz wasn't too stingy with the laxatives and too much of that stuff can be potentially dangerous. And I'm afraid that if Jazz gets too out of line Celia will send her to military school."

"Yikes," I said. That wouldn't be good, I guessed.

"No kidding, that's exactly what happened to me. I put a cherry bomb in another boy's locker because he stole some money from me and he was sent to the hospital."

"Jeez. How about some anger management?"

Ranger did the half smile. "I met Tank at military school. Boy did we wreak havoc on that place. I think we're in the hall of fame."

I laughed. I could just imagine a teenage Ranger and Tank running around the school, planting whoopee cushions. "Weren't you two ever punished?"

"God yes. We were belted, locked into separate rooms for hours at a time, sent to bed with no dinner, and the more creative drill instructors tied us both to chairs with signs that said 'juvenile delinquents' in the front hallway for people to laugh at."

It took me awhile to recover from this news. Finally I wiped away the tears of laughter and looked back over at Ranger. "Omigod. Batman was a hood."

Ranger flashed me the 200-watt grin. I think I almost fainted.

Ranger and I were watching Jazz's Kirby beat the stuffing out of James's Star Fox when there was another shriek from upstairs. Ranger was at the top of the stairs in a flash, almost knocking Erin's door off its hinges.

There was Erin, standing her bed, trying to untangle her hair from the ceiling fan. Apparently she had been jumping on the bed and her hair got caught. Thank god the fan hadn't been on. That would _not_ have been good.

Ranger put his gun away and glared at Erin. "Would you stop shrieking? Every time you do that I think there's some axe-murder in the house."

Erin glared right back. "Well sorry but this kind of HURTS," she yelled.

I heard laughter behind me and turned around. Jazz and James were clinging to each other, laughing hysterically. Felix was sitting on the bed playing with Erin's barbies, completely oblivious to his surroundings.

Ranger turned to Jazz. "Go help your sister," he said.

Jazz was laughing to hard to move. So I played hero and climbed up on the bed.

I peered over the fan at the mess of hair, right at the bottom of the blade, where it meets the middle. "Jeezus Erin how did this happen?" I asked.

She glared at me. "I don't know! I was just jumping and I hit my head on the fan and it got caught!"

Her hair didn't get caught to the fan. It wrapped itself around it and _clung_ to the fan. I pulled and tugged and brushed and tampered but that knot just held on with all its heart. Every so often Erin would squeak or shriek with pain. Jazz and James were sitting on the floor, against the wall, eating popcorn and watching. Ranger was leaning in the doorway, amusement showing clearly on his normally stoic face.

Nothing was working. The knot was _not_ coming out.

"Sorry Erin, but I think we're going to have to cut it."

"NO!" she shrieked at the same time Jazz jumped up to go get scissors.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Erin scrabbled at the knot above her head furiously, but to no avail. Jazz handed me a pair of scissors. Erin's eyes widened in horror when she saw the scissors and wouldn't let me get near her hair.

"Erin if you don't want to live your life attached to a fan you'll let me cut it!"

She scowled. "Fine."

I carefully sliced her free, trying to make the cut as small as possible. Finally Erin was free and she shoved us all out of the room, wanting to be left alone to mourn over her 'ruined hair'.

"Jeez," I said to Ranger, "I didn't cut it that badly."

All I got was a smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

ps, My friend actually did the whole 'kiwi in the exhasut pipe' thing to his principal's car. cheers.

**_------------------------Bowlingforshrimp-----------------------------_**


	6. Only one more hour

**----------------------It's not as long, but sometimes less is more.-----------------------**

**Lady Aeval: When Celia's husband left, she changed her name back to Manoso**

**-----------Thanks to all the reviewers------------**

------Ranger's POV------

Stephanie and I flopped back down on the couch. The Super Smash Bro.'s game had been abandoned and Jazz and James had stayed upstairs.

"Now what?" Stephanie asked.

"Do you want to watch a movie?"

"I didn't know you watched movies."

"I do when there's nothing else to do," I said, getting up. I headed for the cabinet next to the TV and opened it, pulling out a plastic container filled with DVDs. I sat on the couch next to Stephanie, and she leaned over and started checking out the movies.

"Hmm…Ghost Busters, Oceans Eleven, all the American Pies…Scary Movies 1,2, and 3, Saving Private Ryan, Care Bears, ooh how about Brokeback Mountain?" She grinned at me.

I wasn't really in the mood to watch two cowboys making out. "How about no?"

"My nieces made me watch the Lizzie McGuire movie…it wasn't that bad."

"No." My daughter idolized Hillary Duff, but I didn't really get what she saw in her.

"Hmm..picky, picky…Monty Python…Eddie Izzard…The Best of SNL….ooh how about Charlie's Angels? There's a lot of shooting and violence plus three times the sexy women in one small package!"

Hmm…Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Liu…kicking ass inlittle blackspandex suits. "Sure."

I slid the DVD in the player while Stephanie went into the kitchen to start making popcorn. I didn't bother inviting the kids down to watch with us, I figured this would give me some alone time with Steph. She came back a few minutes later with a big bowl of popcorn and two beers, plopping down next to me. I started the movie and relaxed against the couch.

-------------------------------------------------

"So…do you think Drew Barrymore is hot all naked and dirty like that?" Stephanie asked me. We were at the part whereDrew Barrymorefalls out of the bad guy's glass house and rolls naked down a hill.

"Babe," I responded. Little did she know, I was imagining _her_ rolling naked down that hill, and me rescuing her. Every so often Stephanie would pipe up and ask me if I thought one of the women was hot. Mostly I didn't respond.

I let a few moments of silence slide by. "Hey Steph," I said softly.

She turned to look at me and I kissed her. Minutes later I had her on her back on the couch, and my hands in her shirt. She wasn't complaining. At least her moans didn't sound like complaints. I was about to pull her shirt off when we were interrupted by a small voice.

"Whatcha doing?"

I was off of Stephanie in an instant, and she sat up and pulled her shirt down.

"Felix, what are you doing down here? You're supposed to be upstairs with Erin." I asked him. Thank God it hadn't been one of the girls. I never would have lived it down.

"But what were ya doin'?" Felix asked.

"We were…" Stephanie stammered, "Uh…trying to get a piece of popcorn from between the cushions."

I snorted. Stephanie glared at me. Felix just looked curious and climbed up on the couch.

"Didja find it?" he asked, peering between the cushions.

"Um…yeah," said Stephanie.

Felix looked around the room. "Are ya watchin' a movie?" The movie was still going. Charlie's Angels were kicking the crap out of the creepy thin guy. I turned off the movie because I knew Celia doesn't like him watching violent movies.

"Felix, it's ten o'clock, it's way past your bedtime. Go back upstairs." I said to him.

He looked up at me and smiled. "Read me a stowy?" he asked hopefully.

I sent Stephanie an apologetic look and took Felix's hand and led him up the stairs.

"Which book?" I asked, when we got to his room.

"Da litto' engine that cood!" he said happily, jumpingonto hisbed.

I sighed and pulled a colorful hardbound book off the little bookshelf. Every time I babysit these kids I _always_ have to read the Little Engine that Could. He even made me do voices.

Stephanie's POV

I got bored of waiting for Ranger to come back down so I snuck up the stairs. I heard his voice so I crept closer to a doorway and peeked around the doorjamb. There was Ranger, with his back to me, sitting on a little bed reading a book. Felix was tucked under the covers, listening with rapt attention. I recognized the story Ranger was reading as The Little Engine that Could. He was even doing different voices for the different engines and the little clown and even girlie voices for the dolls. I wanted to laugh but the scene was so adorable I held my giggles in, not wanting to ruin the moment.

Ranger was just in the middle of the 'I think I can, I think I can' monologue when he noticed Felix had fallen asleep. He sighed, stood up and put the book on the bedside table. He turned and when he saw me he put a finger to his lips and led me downstairs.

"That was soooo adorable," I said when we got downstairs. Ranger smiled.

"Does that earn me some brownie points?" He asked.

I considered this for a moment. "Yeah but it totally ruins your tough-guy image."

Ranger just shook his head. "Just don't tell anyone," he said and we went back to watching the movie.

**_--------------------Bowlingforshrimp-----------------_**


	7. Blackmail

**Hey look! I finished a story! GO ME!**

**Thanks for all your reviews. Don't worry, more Jamie stuff is coming soon**

Charlie's Angels ended a half an hour later. I yawned and stood up to stretch. My cell phone chirped, and I looked at the readout. It was Morelli.

"Cupcake."

"Hi Joe," I said.

"Are you still with Ranger?"

"Yep, we just finished watching Charlie's Angels."

"When are you going to be done with this babysitting job? Bob wants to see you."

"I think Ranger's sister is coming home at midnight. Will that be too late?"

Morelli sighed audibly. "I guess not, but you better make this up to me, Cupcake."

"How about a night of wild gorilla sex?" I asked.

"Throw in the Japanese triplets and you've got a deal."

"You got it," I said, and then I disconnected.

"Wild gorilla sex?" Ranger asked me from the couch.

I looked down at him. "Yes, that and Japanese triplets."

Ranger laughed and stood up. He stretched and looked at his watch. "Only half an hour and then I'm out of here." He picked up the popcorn bowl and ambled into the kitchen. I followed.

"To the batcave?" I asked.

Ranger set the popcorn bowl on the counter and looked at me. "Yeah," he said, leaning against the counter, "The Batcave."

"I'm going to have to see that one of these days."

He smiled. "One of these days."

We stared at each other for a moment.

"Well? Aren't you going to kiss?"

I jumped about three feet in the air. Ranger glared at the doorway, where Jazz stood, toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. She shook her head and brushed past me to the sink. "Christ on a stick, you two. You're like, making out with your eyes. The least you could do is give me something to tell all my friends at school. Now I'll just have to make something up." She spat in the sink and rinsed her mouth out.

"You won't make anything up," Ranger said to her.

Jazz grinned at him. "Sure I will." She gazed out into space and tapped her chin. "Let's see…should I catch you making out in the bathroom? On the dining room table? Or maybe you were looking for a popcorn kernel in between the couch cushions…"

Ranger rubbed his forehead. "Felix woke up?"

Jazz's smile widened. "Yup. He came into my roomwith stories aboutyour adventures with the popcorn kernel."

I was mortally embarrassed. "Uh…you aren't going to tell Celia, are you?" I asked Jazz. I really didn't want to be known as the girl Uncle Ric brought home to make out with while he was supposed to be babysitting.

Jazz scratched her stomach. "Well…that depends…are you two finished watching your movie?"

"Your mom said no TV after 10," Ranger said.

Jazz shrugged. "Oh well. I guess there's nothing to distract me from thinking about how I'm going to tell mom the popcorn kernel story…" she started to walk out of the kitchen.

"Fine," Ranger said, causing Jazz to pause, "You can watch more TV but the _instant_ you hear the garage door opening you will turn it off and go upstairs. In return, Celia won't hear about _any_ of this."

Jazz smiled. "It's a deal, Ricky. Now, if you don't mind, I've got some VH1 to watch."

We watched Jazz disappeared into the family room. Ranger shook his head. "I can't believe I'm being blackmailed by a fourteen-year-old."

"It wasn't your best moment." I said.

Ranger glanced at me. I just smiled at him.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

We were sitting on the couch with Jazz, watching 100 Greatest Teen Actors. I was in the middle with Ranger on my right and Jazz on my left. It was a commercial, and Jazz leaned over towards me.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she whispered.

"Yep," I said, thinking about Morelli.

"Is he hot?"

"Best ass in Trenton," I said.

"What's his name?"

"Joe."

"What does he do?"

"He's a cop."

"Do you live with him?"

"Sometimes."

"So…if you have a hot boyfriend who has a good job and lets you stay with him…why do you flirt with Uncle Ric so much?"

"Uh…well…I…don't," I said, glancing at Ranger. He was smiling, and it didn't look like he was going to help me out here.

Jazz laughed at me. "Yeah right. You're like, totally in love with him."

"Ah…no," I said. This was getting kind of awkward. Yeah, I do love Ranger, but not in the way Jazz was thinking. (AN don't all you Babes come and kill me now, I'm just trying to stay true to the books).

"Denial," Jazz said, un-muting the TV.

Just then I heard the garage door opening. Jazz switched off the TV and bolted out of the room.

"Honies, I'm home!" Celia called from the kitchen. Ranger and I got up from the couch and found Celia making coffee in the kitchen. She smiled at us.

"Did you two have fun?" she asked.

"Oh absolutely," Ranger said, "I got to break up a fight between James and a big fat kid, Erin has boyfriends sneaking in her window, the house almost burned down, Jazz might get expelled from school, and you need to buy a new monopoly set because the one you have now is completely ruined. And my hair smells like strawberries."

Celia cracked up. "Ricardo you are such a good brother. If it weren't for you it would have been _me_ who had to break up the fight between James and the fat kid. And then I would have to tell Erin that if she has boys coming through her window she should be paying them." She sobered up in a split second. "As for Jazz, I have no idea what to do about her. I'm thinking of threatening to send her to military school."

Ranger nodded. "That's probably a good idea. She needs to know when enough is enough."

Celia sighed. "Yeah."

We were silent for a few seconds.

"Well," Celia said clapping her hands together, "I'm sure you two are exhausted. Thank for babysitting, Ric, I really appreciate it." She gave Ranger a hug and showed us to the door. "It was wonderful to meet you Stephanie. I hope I get to see more of you."

I smiled at her. "I'm sure you'll get to hear more about me. Just read the front page every time something explodes, and you'll see my name."

Celia laughed. "Ric has told me some stories. I'll be sure to check the paper every morning."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Ranger and I were in the car, driving away from Celia's house. We were in our normal silence—a huge difference from two hours ago. I glanced over at Ranger.

"Well that was fun," I said.

Ranger wrenched himself out of his zone and grinned at me. "Yeah, babe, it was. We should do it more often."

"Yeah right. I'm never babysitting those kids again, not even if my life depended on it."

Ranger chuckled. "My brother is going away with his wife for the weekend in a couple of weeks. Maybe I'll volunteer us to babysit for him."

I snorted. "You better not, Ranger, or I swear to God you'll pay."

"You wouldn't be able to do anything to me, Babe."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Oh?" I knew he was right, I knew he was the primo bounty-hunter, fighter, and finder, but hey, I was provoked."

"Yeah."

"Bring it on, beyotch!" I said. I probably shouldn't have. I had an excuse. I was tired and hungry, and I was dealing with the fact that I just met a family possibly more dysfunctional than my own.

"You don't know who you're going up against. And I still have to get you back for the Apusenja thing."

I winced. I was hoping he would forget that. "Yeah, well, you're not gonna, no way, no how, I'll even put bullets in my gun."

"I'm up for anything that gets you to put bullets in your gun," Ranger said.

I glared at him, but he'd already gone back into his zone. I sighed and turned to the window, thinking of ways I could get him back for tonight.

Zee Ehnd


End file.
